FEEL

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He Is a Fighter! Getting ready for a shot! Right before diagnosis. About 1 year after diagnoses....aawwe look at the blue eyes! .

I haven't blogged in awhile. I have plenty to say.....just not sure if I should actually put it in black and white or keep it to myself ............like I have done for he last 10 years. As the anniversary approaches I seem to feel even more. That was a complete sentence........I just feel more. More what????? Everything. Mostly anger! Yep I said it.....frankly anger sounds way too politically correct. What I really feel is Pissed Off! (I am sure Greg is shaking his head right now...thinking how un-lady like) However, it is how I feel....ready to explode! Some days it never leaves my mind, and I find myself physically and mentally exhausted. I am tired of watching him suffer. It seems so wrong to have to watch your child suffer, and no matter how much they fight.....and no matter how good of an attitude they have......you know of their pain. He tries so hard to just be normal. (I will blog later about what he really goes thru)

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. I feel punished. What did I do to deserve this? worse yet, what did I do to give this sort of pain to him? Why...do we have to endure this?

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I feel haunted. The vivid memory of watching him almost die more than once will always haunt me, and nag at me......as it lingers. There are so many nights that I can't sleep for the fear of losing him. There are noises and sounds to this day that will trigger the EXACT feeling of almost losing him.

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I feel terrified. Terrified that I won't be there to save him if something goes wrong again. Terrified that something will happen to me ......and then what? How will he manage ...who will take care of him? So afraid for when he leaves home and is out on his own.

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I feel irritated. Most people don't even know what they have. I feel so irritated when people take for granted their child's health. I feel irritated when people try to tell me how lucky I am to have the proper medical care to care for him. How he can live a normal life with all of these medical miracles. There's NOTHING normal about what he goes thru. There is nothing normal about taking 5-10 shots a day just to stay alive. There is nothing normal about pricking your finger 10 times a day...everyday...for the rest of your life. (frankly this one leads me right back to feeling pissed off) .

I feel confused. So many of my emotions contradict each other. That I am confused about how I feel. When you are finished reading this......you will know that I definitely feel confused.

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I feel sad. Sad that he will always have this. Sad that his future wife will endure this. Sad that his children will endure it too. Just sad. .

I feel resentment. I choose not to go into this further.........but it is there.

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I feel depressed and broken hearted.

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I feel blessed. We are blessed to have as many advances in medicine that we do. With these medical miracles.....the burden is lighter. I know this. We are blessed to be able to provide these for him. I am blessed that the Lord didn't take him from this Earth when he could have. We are blessed to have the super support of friends and family. This too lightens the burden. (yes I know this contradicts what I wrote earlier)

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I feel guilty. I know that I am blessed to have him alive and so that makes me feel guilty for all of the other negative feelings that I do have. There are many friends that have lost loved ones.........I know.....they would choose to have them here with them.....even if it meant they would have to live with this disease. I dare say they would celebrate the opportunity to have them return. I feel guilty for wishing that people could really understand what we go thru as a family because to do that they would have to walk a mile in our shoes and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

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I feel selfish. This goes with guilt. How selfish of me to whine about all of this when Triston is the one that has to endure the disease.

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I feel grateful. So thankful to have him. I love him so much. He inspires me, tests me and teaches me. His fight is amazing and he is my hero.

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I feel honored. I am honored to be his mom. What a special kid. Honored to help him in his fight for health. (told you I was confused)

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I feel helpless. As a mother, I want to take this burden from him. I feel so helpless because I can't take this pain from him. Helpless.....to have to watch him suffer.

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I feel driven. Anything that I can do to help keep him happy and healthy.....I want to do. No matter the cost......emotionally, physically or financially. .

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I feel like a failure. Although, I am driven, I don't always get it right and occasionally get the dose wrong...too much or too little. Sadly, he pays the price.

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I feel discouraged. Triston was 3 when he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. His Dr. told us that he felt like we could have a cure in 10 years. April 13th will be 10 years....and still no cure.

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The one thing that I no longer feel .......is hope. Because I feel hopeless. There is no cure in sight.